It's just about to Fall

I can feel it. There's a new season ahead. Fall is coming.

But I'm not quite there yet. There's still jet-lag to push through and a house to unpack (that never seems to end though) and friends to re-connect with after a three-month hiatus to the USA. There's still a few more things that need to be done before the full swing of things can be totally felt yet. And yet... I sense there is a new season ahead. Every time we visit the USA and return it's as if one chapter ends and another begins. A few "new" things to anticipate in this chapter make me wonder out loud how very different might my life look this year... or how I may someday look back upon these days and sigh knowing my today's are just so, well so different.

A new baby new in the new year. Raising three very young ones is new. In the USA I was surrounded by mommies doing the same stay-at-home-with-very-young-ones career. It's a more isolating "alone"(as I express it, and not necessarily always "lonely") experience in our current stage of life and in this place of the world. And yet at the same time, I am currently in the process of school hunting for my eldest, age 2.5 years old. I wonder what the next 7 months will feel like as I encounter other mom's on the same path of formal education of our tender, young ones. Interviewing teachers and principals, visiting school and knowing the days with my Shane are limited. His independence grows as Luke's dependence on me seems to increase with his love-language of touch, nearness, cuddles, empathy and togetherness.

We moved to India nearly four years ago and I've only known motherhood since. Conceiving four months later has meant that my entire time in India thus far has been about the newness and learning of creating a home not only for my husband of (now) five years but a home for children as well. It means that many if not most of my peers or friends or acquaintances do not know me as anything but wife of Ben, mother of Shane and Lukas, and either pregnant, post-pregnancy or getting pregnant again. The many roles I had for much of my life such as "Daughter of; Overseas single gal toughen' it out in various parts of the world; university girl; seminary student; MA graduate; Crime Victims Advocate in the courtrooms"... all are virtually unknown. That's been an interesting reality to realize. One I've had to walk through if not wrestle with at times.

I guess some of this comes down to being known. Not for accolades or applause, but just to share in it.

As seasons change even the concept of being known changes. As I sit on this mildly-cool afternoon in India, my youngest rolls in my womb. She reminds me that I am. Known. Every bit of my flesh and blood and beating heart are known to her in this body created for her to breath and thrive within. Maybe my ache for being known is shifting along with the seasons of change. I want my family to know me. The ones who see me with morning hair and still love me. I want them to see me every single day. To be around for every raised eyebrow over a butterfly or a shriek over a cocoon. I want my children to know they'll see my face when they awake and just before bed. I want them to know my quirks just as I know theirs. To be honest, it's still a very odd and surreal concept for me to be the mother of my children. I can't help but pause during the day and wonder "Do you, little boys, really know what you're up against? I am just Me. I am no one with magical powers." And yet they wrap their sticky little fingers around my now-sticky face, they stick their sticky little fingers up my nose, they stick their legs out in frustration when I pull them away from the toilet water, their sticky skin is washed every evening in an effort to clean the stickiness away, stickystickysticky.

Seasons of change. Being known and being present. Sometimes in familiar roles but always stumbling through to be my best. There is nothing to fear in this up and coming season. Just a lot to anticipate.

Because it's just about to Fall.