This Abyss is not about a tool kit.

It was a conversation about Ben’s tool kit. Shane can’t keep his hands off it (which is why he’s getting his own for his 2nd birthday) and that makes me nervous. Ben on the other hand felt confidant that several of the tools were safe especially given the fact that he was supervising. As we spoke about this, the casual conversation turned emotionally driven and tears welled up in my eyes. I can still see my husband’s face, kind and determined to understand while at the same time speechless, almost awestruck, at the level of emotion I was bringing into the discussion. All over a tool kit.

As Ben asked questions, the Mother Bear for her Baby Cub was unveiled. It wasn’t about a tool-kit really. It was about a mother protecting her children. It was about fear and anxiety, letting go and trusting all mixed together. It was about keeping my son safe and out of danger even though I know it’s impossible to do 100%. My son hurt under my care? There a no greater despair of feeling than that. This is one of many examples I’ve felt recently.

This abyss. It is deep and I see no end in sight. I can feel and sense it. And with every breath, I know it will never depart from me.

This abyss is no void or chasm that is filled with emptiness. It is an abyss with a depth not deep enough and boundaries not wide enough. Walls not strong enough and height not far heaven-reaching enough to contain it.

This abyss is what My Children are surrounded in. Mark my word…I am shocked by the magnitude of my feelings and its evolution. I was not prepared to feel so deeply. I have shocked myself with tears that spring from no where when prayers are lifted for them. I am surprised at the rage of which I can feel when mere thoughts of their minds or bodies ever being damaged by evil intentions. I am shaken by the tears filling my eyes when tears fill theirs. I am stunned by the emotions which well from within when I wonder how I will ever protect my children from myself own poor choices or habits. I stagger to my knees in fear and awe when I realize how tenderly they were created, cell by cell, by Him in the depths of my womb. And that He dared to loan them for this time in history…to me.

I wonder if there is an end in sight, if I will awaken one day and find that I have finally arrived at the bottom of this abyss. To be able to contain the abyss in my own self without it spilling over as it does now. I wonder if I will finally rest in the abyss on that day and the strength of its power will be fully realized.

But I already know the answer to that question. This abyss has far too many mysteries beyond my reach. I think I may just have to live my life continually surprised by the magnitude of this abyss.

An abyss frequently called Love.