Because the astrologer said so

It was a hot meal of aloo parata (potato mixture squished inside a wheat tortilla shell) that a dear Indian friend prepared for my mom and I. Sitting under the whirling fan in her classy apartment we three devoured the steamy home-cooked meal and drank it down with water. Leila has been my friend for the last two years. It was an instant connection from the moment we met. I've learned a vast amount of culture from her and am an ongoing student of her tutorials on Hinduism.

She was telling us about the fact that her wedding, along with her sisters wedding, along with her parents wedding all fall on the same week, pretty much the same day. I commented, somewhat naively, "Well, I guess you all just loved that time of year" during the wedding planning. She graciously explained that it was actually the choice of the astrologer. He "consulted" the placement of the moon and the stars in the universe, and thereafter a date and time was set accordingly. Choosing an auspicious time to marry guaranteed the newlyweds that the years ahead would be prosperous in love, children, wealth, and honor. "But," Leila added, "you can also consult the astrologer about your spouse-to-be to see if the one you've chosen really 'the one.'" A match made in heaven or not, you could say.

The conversation took a pause, and Leila looked at my mom and I. Explaining further, she added, "Well you know, like you guys do in America. You take blood samples for the same reason."

I looked at my mom (the RN). "We do?" and wondered out loud. I didn't remember getting blood drawn for my husband. But Leila insisted that she'd read about it, or seen something on TV or heard it was true. My mom whispered to me, "That used to be the protocol to look for STD's (sexually transmitted diseases)."

I don't fault my friend for misunderstanding the facts. I've been pondering our conversation since last week and I am hit with this truth. There are so many time in the last 2 years, make that 32 years of doing life cross-culturally, that I have wanted to badly, so desperately to find something in common with the culture I am visiting. And there are many things the East and the West share. Once you really get down to the heart of the matter, I believe we share
feelings of love and insecurity, joy and anxiety, honor and pride. It's just played out differently. But it is with these exact feelings and convictions, that I only see now, how I have often willed myself or my conversations or comparisons about one culture to another culture to be the same. Because I wanted it to be. I almost needed it to be. I want to connect. I want to find congruity. I believe in sharing our lives because I believe we already do (but we're just not talking about our similarities. It's easier to fight about our differences).

So that's the clincher. There must be, there has to be moments when culture is vastly and totally different than my own. And that's the very reason for cultures amazing depth and glorious beauty. And so when Leila attempted a comparison based on misunderstood information, I could not fault her. Because I realise that she also shares a same desire to connect with my culture. She was willing it to be. Even though sometimes... we are not.

I love Leila because she invites me over for aloo parata. She also tells me about marriage and love, then wills me to connect sometimes through misunderstood information. I learn from Leila that I want to connect too, even when comparisons are actually universes apart. But you know, when that happens it's okay. We can still eat side by side as friends. Because we share something deep and gloriously beautiful. Our individual cultures.