My friend was empathizing with me on a particular day when I was "feeling" the responsibility of mothering. She commented on the “roller coaster” of emotions that moms’ everywhere must experience. This is what my roller coaster ride feels like sometimes…
I’m up to my head in emotions. Wherever however I go see do sleep eat walk swim converse drive cook nap email phone talk appointments with friends weddings church down time up time TV time music time my mind is thinking about something in some capacity big small medium important not important crucial or not crucial details of mothering. There isn’t a single moment of my day that isn’t consumed in one way or another when I don't wonder is he napping will he nap?, is he off/on his routine?, will he cry?, if he cry’s, why?, is he sick hurt tired hungry dirty diaper why won’t he nap alone? Wow what a great night sleeper will he sleep tonight? Will he be up at 2 a.m. he hasn’t done that since he was a newborn what shots what vitamins what foods should I not eat should eat to help him grow or not stunt his growth is this too much sugar too much caffeine too much onions what if that noise wakes him he’s asleep in all this noise!!, how long will that last?, why isn’t he sleeping in his quiet room is it too hot too cold too noisy too stimulated, too mosquito-y? I’m hungry tired emotional but can’t won’t must not eat yet because he just fell asleep on the breast is that okay? They-say they-say they-say.
I have a heart filled with things that I want to talk to my husband about and it’s been in my heart for days on end but Shane’s feeding Shane's waking Shane's napping Shane's crying Shane's playing Shane’s fussing and cooing and laughing and I don’t have the strength left within me to discuss what I feel is lonely and frustrated and guilty and tied-down and chained to a life (in a chair) that I don’t know HOW to manage and I’m worthlessly aware of my fragility it’s so hard to take care of myself to look pretty because how does lipstick and mascara and heels sooth Shane, put him to sleep, nurse him, happy him? My husband is complimentary on my size and shape but I don’t want to “look good for having a baby” and my eyes are burning though I took a three hour nap I’ve never woken up from but I must because here’s another feeding and here’s another hour but I don’t have the will to heat up a plate of food and dear husband will you sit with me while you eat while I nurse I know you’d rather a fresh meal tonight I hope you don’t feel second rate because you’re first-rate and I don’t know how to make you feel first-rate today because I’m turned twisted angled in more ways my mind body heart words eyes come back again and again to the the nurturing responsibility balancing act of parenting this small life and I can’t give quick answers to simple questions or make easy decisions today I need extra grace extra patience extra hugs and kisses because I’m still grappling with this strength within me that is buried in all my selfishness I’m a weak vessel who needs Strength and Courage and Life Breathing Newness.
I’m alive with emotions and energy and wonder when will the wall hit today will tomorrow be the same? I’m up to my head in emotions but I know there’s a God who will enable me to climb these mountains and climb well. I’ll do this well. Not perfectly or beautifully but I will do it well and love often hug and cuddle often yes feel guilt often and push on. Each day is a new day new perspective each day I’m rewarded with my Shining Star and his smiles and coos and ohhh how we grow in love each day mother and son my hearts beats a little faster a little slower with each sacrifice that I don’t choose but must face in myself. I never knew I never imagined this wonderfully painfully sacrificial loving act of parenting.
Phew… I've got the wind-blown look. What a ride. Anyone, anyone out there who can relate? I bet my babies smile on it that there is.
7 comments:
Libby -
Jamie got really excited when I called her and told her you wanted her email. It is: jamie_holdren@yahoo.com
Hope all is well with you guys today. Shane is beautiful!
Libby,
I can relate to all of that. I have felt it twice now. The second time a little less than the first time. It is indeed a roller coaster ride. One that at some times you enjoy and others you feel sick!! You are in my prayers and my thoughts, and remember it does get better. Love you Des
I so hear this. Still, at nine months. Though not as intensely, maybe. Maybe?
Thank you! I love your heart!! Rachel
Oh yeah, I've been there, am there, have no idea when I'll be done with my emotional roller coaster. Today I've had my fair share. One minute I'm feeling good about this mothering thing, and the next moment I'm feeling completely lost. Thankfully I have a God who knows me, who loves me, and who feeds me. I need sustenance, I think I'll go "eat" now.
Libby - I completely know, all too well, the feeling of overwhelming odds in the venture called mothering. Thankfully, as you said, we're not alone. There were days when I felt like was run over by a semi truck, and probably looked like it too! The self inflicted pressure to be the best mom possible to your child can be dangerous enemy. Sleep deprivation can wreak havoc on a once stable mind, so it is important to be filled back up again with the support of your FATHER and supportive friends. Especially when you're being poured out 24/7. Hang in there. "They say...it get's better." And, I'm here to say, it really does. :o) Tara Fuller
"Wonderfully painfully sacrificial" ...so true! I identify with everything you said. Thanks for being real. Motherhood is great but really, really hard sometimes.
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