Just as much as that first drive home from the hospital, do remember your First Night Home with your firstborn newborn?
This is my version.
I don’t remember much about the early hours when I fed Shane or how many times I awoke to his restlessness. What I do recall were the feeling of my own complete inadequacy. No book had prepared me for these feelings and the helplessness I felt on that First Night Home with Shane.
The dreams I’d had before Shane’s birth held beautiful and poetic images of blond-haired boys, of peace and deep sensations of adoration. But on that First Night Home, I was chased by angry villains, children cried, and peace was replaced with fear and anxiety. I awoke abruptly with each whimper from Shane. While feeding him in the dim light of the nightlight, theories of breastfeeding ran through my head, rules of sleep duration, feed duration, timings of when to feed, how to burp, how to hold him, when to let him cry it out, and when to sooth him. Script after script, line after line, rule after rule, legalism and author credentials whirled in my mind. I paced back and forth in the hall as he whimpered trying to recall how I was supposed to act, how I was supposed to execute the perfect plan for the perfect baby on this First Night Home.
Shane fell back to sleep long before I did on that First Night Home. Ben had been up a few times with me, but I felt this was my duty. My job. I was The Mom. I was supposed to know things. With the title of Mom came certain credentials, and a motherly instinct that was supposed to well up from within my deepest parts and sooth this newborn child. Right? Someone tell me in the early a.m. that this is right.
When morning broke through the dawn that early a.m., Ben held me in his arms and asked How are you? I responded. With unplanned tears. As they came, slow and steady, I felt a weightless release. Maybe my response came from being tired. Or maybe because of anxiety. Or maybe the depth of this new love absolutely consumed me. Overnight, on the First Night Home.
On that first morning after the First Night Home, motherhood became a tangible reality through early a.m. feedings and soothing. But it was an experience of intangibilities as well.
Shane is 19 days old today. There are still long nights and cautious steps. But the bad dreams are long gone and the tears less frequent. I don’t have all the answers and I’m not acting in a supposed-to way. The First Night Home woke me up to the depth that can be felt towards new life. And I’m doing my best to keep walking in that reality every day.
5 comments:
Libby, you just summed up how almost every mother feels on that first night home. It is so nice to finally have friends who understand what it is like to be a mother. How you feel you have to do everything cause you are the MOM. I will be praying for you and all the feelings that come with being a new mom. Love you guys Des
Hey Libby,
I felt exactly the same way too. The awesome (huge and amazing) responsibility that comes with being a mom. The one thing I wish someone had told me sooner...your instincts are right-listen to them and not what some expert says in a book. I know when you're exhausted trying to figure out what those instincts are can be nearly impossible, but isn't it so comforting to know that we have a perfect father who can show us the way!
Jenn
I don't know a mom who HASN'T felt the way you did - if not on the first night, then at least in the first few weeks of the journey called motherhood.
You will find your own way. I agree with Jennifer - you have invested time reading, studying, learning about how to be a mom, but now it's time to actually be Shane's mom. Trust your instincts. Oh yeah, and have some fun! They are only this little for a short time.
Libby,
Thank you for sharing those precious and sincere thoughts. Echoing the others, you are not alone and this too shall pass. He is absolutely adorable! And he is yours because God know you and Ben are the best parents he could have. You will be an awesome model of Christ for him and a book recomendation (when you have time) I just read Don't Make Me Count to Three by Ginger Plowman. It is very biblical concepts of discipline but traing you child in the word alongs side. Anyway, God used it to change my perspective, check it out if you can. Take care.
Michelle Domeika
The wee exhausted hours of the night can do strange things to a person. Especially after you've had a baby! Tears are normal, and there will be more... but nothing is as hard physically and emotionally as those first few weeks! Ben should be ready to "hold you" more in the YEARS to come!! Kids just do that to you! :-)
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