A journal for Shane was given by my good friend Anna, who explained her own discipline of keeping a journal for her children. So ever since the day we saw those double lines on the pregnancy test, I've filled that precious journal with thoughts and prayers for Shane.
This Friday the 8th our baby completes his first year. I am...speachless. I hope these few selected entries from the journal will do justice to this paused moment in time.
June 21st, 2006. Dear One, Today we took a pregnancy test and the results are positive. You've been growing in me for some weeks by now, but it wasn't until this special day that my growing suspicions were confirmed. We're going to have a baby! I am so happy, but I am anxious as well. I want to do this right. I've never prayed a child in my womb before. I feel clumsy and awkward, and foreign words leave this pen. How badly do we want to give You our child, to surrender this baby to you? Desperately. Now teach me how.
Sept 19, 06. Dear One, You gave me a kick last night! It wasn't until 7:45 that dinner was served (during our final no-babies vacation). Up until then I felt dizzy and weak, but after just one bight of late dinner, WOW, what a kick! I am sure I derserved it.
Dec 9, 05 Dear Cutie Spotts, Next week you will be in me for 8 months. You amaze me. Every day you remind me of your presence; you tell me "I'm alive, I'm healthy, I'm full of personality" with each move and turn. Life is transitioning. I believe the Lord is preparing me for the transition of motherhood, an experience I am both awed and anxious about. Your dependence upon me is mindboggling. I know it won't always be this way. The time will come and you'll leave home. But for now, for us in this season, you'll be wholly, totally ours. Mine.
Feb 5th, 07. Dear Shane or ----- (we didn't know if it was a boy or girl. A (secret) girl name still remains in the blank for future use). Today is week 39. My doctor said it looks like you have no intentions of coming just yet. But I'm on the lookout. Your due date is still one week away. Last night I couldn't fall asleep so I prayed for you. Your perfectly formed body lies wrapped up, curled up in my womb. I've become absolutely obsessed with picturing your body in my womb. Is that your head? Are those your elbows or your knees? Our bags are packed and ready to grab. Now I'm waiting. Waiting for you. Waiting...
Three day later Shane broke into our world.
Feb 12th, 07. Unprepared.
I was prepared to bring you home and put you into a crib with fresh new sheet. I was prepared for the crying and sleeping. I was prepared if you were a boy. I was prepared for sleep deprivation and a sharpended need for communcation with my husband. I was prepared to be in awe of your small created body.
But I was not prepared for this wave of love that sweeps through me when I look at you, for this little life to turn my world upside-down. I'm disjointed. I was prepared for so many things, but for this, I am not. To love you this deeply, this sincerely. To see the world differently and feel it so accutely. I am...speachless.
3 comments:
Happy Almost Birthday, Shane. I can't believe it has been a year! This post almost made me cry. I remember writing on my blog when Asher was born: "I knew I was having a baby...but I didn't know it would be YOU."
I found you through Catherine and love reading your blog. I, too, keep journals for both of my boys, though I didn't start them until after number 2 was born. I am inspired to start one for my next child when he/she is still in my womb. What a sweet thing to give him one day! Hope your first birthday of your first little one is special!
So I am in tears as I read through your own thoughts and experiences carrying Shane, so very real and raw to me now that I am carrying my little, squirmy girl inside of me. Thank you, Libs.
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